Life as a Small Dog

Road Warrior

2005-11-27T18:00:00.000-08:00

With all the thanks given and goodbyes said it was time for me and my roommate to hit the road. We decided to attempt to keep track of things of interest. The following are the totals from today's drive alone.

Number of:

Dead deer seen: 12

Tickets seen being given: Lost track after 23

Birds seen flipped: 2

Birds flipped: 3

Times made an emergency 911 call to try to get a jerk arrested for tailgating me and then cutting me off: 1

Traffic jams: 0, amazingly

Police cars seen that were Camaros: 3

Stops for gas:3

Monster trucks seen being hauled to the next big show on Saturday! Saturday! Saturday!:1

Girls seen abruptly driving their cars into the grassy midfield for no apparent reason: 1

"Presents" I left in the car for my roommate to clean up: 0

Times almost hit by teenage girl trying to drive and put on mascera simultaneously: 1

Kelly Clarkson songs that were heard on the radio:17

Times radio was changed after realizing that a Kelly Clarkson song was again on the radio: 16

After taking a look at the data that we collected today, my roommate and I have decided that a large portion of drivers are "Closet A-Holes". Those kind of people who lead a normal everyday life, but when placed behind the wheel of a vehicle completely lose control of all emotions, and experience slight loss of motor skills. These problems are compounded by the apparent onset of ADD. If drivers exercised some common sense and respect for others, travel days like today wouldn't have to be so hellish. Heaven forbid there is ever a mass evacuation. I'd flee the aliens on foot before getting on the roads with all those psychos.

Idle Hands.....

2005-11-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

My roommate and I have been doing a lot of sitting around. Its a good thing that he got a second job. I was getting tired of looking at his face. And while he is out and about I'll take the opportunity to examine the contents of the guest bathroom trash can, or maybe leave a present on the hallway carpet. I need to do something to keep myself busy. I start acting weird when I get bored. I don't feel like I'm myself when I have that much time on my hands to think and think and think. But its so easy to be lazy!

Running Errands

2005-11-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

So my roommate and I were taking back Star Wars 3 to the video store a few days ago. On our journey home, we were held up at a stoplight. I don't know what it is, but I like to check out who is with me at the light. So I look to my right. Balding farmer in a massive truck. And I look to my left. Hot-to-trot college girl in a small import. Normally I don't stare at people as good manners dictates, but the fact that she was ferociously digging in her nasal cavity had me captivated and slightly amused. I mean, she was using more than one finger. If only I had the camera to take a picture of the look on her face when she turned her head and realized that she got busted picking her nose. A mix of emotions were on her face. Confusion, embarrassment, bewilderment even. These emotions quickly and quite obviously turned to rage and anger as she saw me chuckling at her. I have only been flipped the bird a few times in my life. And I'm sure that this time won't be the last. As she tore ass away as the green light signaled I wonder who was the offending party. Her, with the flagrant nose picking and bad social form, or me for even glancing over in the first place. Do we as drivers have a reasonable expectation of privacy when we are in our cars? I say no. Unless you have limo tint on your windows or an actual limo you should expect about as much privacy as you would get standing in your front yard. The change in public attitude towards our neighbors has changed significantly. We go to work. We look straight ahead. We don't say hello when we pass in the hallways. We have one goal, to get to point B from point A with out anyone asking us a question that can't be answered in less than 3 syllables. I'm pretty sure that a famous guy once said, "Love thy neighbor". Not , "Flip him off as he's on his way back from the video store, that'll teach him".

Mugging Suspect

2005-11-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

"Gimme your wallet, or I'll cut ya!"

Daily Duty

2005-11-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

AFTER ACTION REPORT: 04 NOV 05, 0742 HOURS. Mission: place defensive charges in an ongoing strategic battle to prevent possible enemy breechs in friendly zone. Departed Forward Operating Base in an expedited fashion. Inserted into west sector of friendly controlled territory. Locals call this "The Front Yard". Cover was provided by Central Command while charges were placed. Once charges were placed, commenced forced march back to F.O.B McDonald. Mission successful.

It seems to me that the teenagers that are around now are becoming more disrespectful each year. So many things contribute to this trend that it is very hard to pinpoint any one reason. The most general explanation that I can think of is time. Obviously everything changes over time. Everything is subject to some sort of change when time is taken into account. Culture and social life in my opinion is one of the most rapidly changing aspects of our lives. The family values from just 20 years ago are quite different than what most people experience today. With the advancement of our technological capabilities, our culture was changed. From the changes in our culture, our social life was changed. This in turn changed the way that we parent our children. Which in turn changed our culture, which changed the technology.......its all very confusing. There are hundreds of books that line the local bookstores describing parenting techniques. The disturbing fact is that people need to turn to books to learn about family values when they should have been learning from their parents. But living in a perfect world we are not. All I can hope for at this point is that the neighbor kids will stop stomping through my front yard, or stop throwing empty Mountain Dew cans in the back. We'll see what happens with the current campaign of what I like to call "Yard Mines".

"Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by dogs with poop. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Bailey? I have more responsibility here than you could possibly fathom. You weep from the smell, and you curse the dogs. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the crap in the front lawn, while tragic, probably saved lives. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. I know deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you WANT me on that wall, you NEED me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it. I prefer you said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand to post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!"

I'm a Rocker, Through and Through

2005-11-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

I heard a song on the radio today. Welcome to the Jungle indeed. My wise-ass roommate got this incriminating photo of me while I was giving the best Axle voice I have. When I was in kindergarten I wrote a few sentences describing my future ambitions to be the newest member of Van Halen. It got me thinking about where I am today, and what has happened to my goals along the way into adulthood. When kids are young, they never tell you that they want to grow up and be a high school drop out, or a drug addict, or an alcoholic. They want to be firemen, doctors, and astronauts. They literally want to shoot for the moon. I honestly can't recall a specific moment in life when my high hopes became far off dreams, just that it happened over a gradual time in my pre-teen years. With the knowledge of the Tooth Fairy, Santa, and the Easter Bunny becoming nothing more than "little kid stuff", my dreams joined the ranks of that little kid stuff as the harsh reality of the now came into focus. And lets face it, its pretty hard to take your distant future into consideration when you're hanging out after school with your friends trying to be cool. And where am I now? Like a large portion of America, just trying to make it and be happy. Nobody wants to look back at the span of their life and think, "Gee, I wish I would've done that". So I guess I need to come up with some new goals that are attainable. Like seeing Europe, or hiking the Appalachian trail. You never know though, maybe Van Halen will have a reunion tour and have need of a new drummer. It could happen.

Night of the Living Brats

2005-10-31T21:58:00.000-08:00

If I were employed, I would be a mall security guard. My high school counselor agreed. But since I'm an out of work bum, I'll just hold down the fort and let my roommate know when someone is at the door. It's the least I can do for him for fronting me some cash for food and rent. I think I earned my keep tonight though. Every five minutes or less I was on point barking right in his ear to let him know that trespassers were afoot. The constant vaulting off the couch got a little wearing, but all in all it was a pretty productive night.
I'm pretty upset with the direction that the new generation of kids are heading with their Halloween celebrations. Not to be cliche` with a bunch of "Back when I was a kid" jibber-jabber, but things were just different back then. We would put some real effort in our costumes, not go pick one of 4 different sizes of a Spiderman-suit off a shelf at Wall Mart. We would get in costume for the sheer joy of getting in costume, not to use it as a form of payment for the sole purpose of getting a sugar rush for two weeks straight. With all this talk of canceling Halloween celebrations at schools, it isn't hard to figure out why some folks are pushing so hard for it. They simply are tired of giving out their hard earned money in the form of individually wrapped candies to a bunch of lazy brats. Case and point: 2 groups of Tricker-or-Treaters rang the doorbell tonight not even wearing costumes. Had they been youngsters in need, I'm sure he would have responded differently. But seeing as they were cocky teenagers I was thoroughly pleased when my roommate told them that they weren't getting diddly without any costume as he shut the door in their face. The whole feeling of this holiday has been cheapened by the candy-in-hand transaction. I fear it won't be long until Halloween will become as useless as Sweetest Day. This kind of crap would never have flown back when I was a kid.